Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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