I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we made out on top of his cat.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
