Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My cat gives me a boner
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
