I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
