I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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