had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
