There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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