Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
