Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
