I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
