Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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