definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
