bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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