I feel great
I just peed on a car
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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