Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
