I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
