he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
