Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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