we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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