no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
