did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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