Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
