he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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