he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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