How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
