You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
