At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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