decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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