I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
