i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
