On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
