At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
