My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
