I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
