Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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