woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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