I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
