1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
