Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
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"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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