Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
