peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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