he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
