Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
