I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
