Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
