I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
