The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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