Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
