Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
