i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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