I can tuck mytits in my pants
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
