I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
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passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him