I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.