my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
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She's like a pop up book from hell.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"