okay pat passed out under dana's car
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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