i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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