You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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